I'm Baaaaaack

“You found me, when no one else was looking. How did you know just where I’d be?” You Found Me – Kelly Clarkson

I love the Breakaway CD from Kelly Clarkson.  It has always resonated with me, but that song, You Found Me, it just really describes the awakening experience that I had earlier this year.  I mean, the words to this song perfectly describe how I felt.  I was comfortably numb, unfeeling, uncaring. I had lost myself.  I would just put on clothes, didn’t really care much about my overall appearance.  And it was truly what no one else could see.  The people in my life on a daily basis said nothing… I guess my slip slide away from who I had always been was so gradual, my smile, however fake, was still present…. I was still me to them so I guess they didn’t see. 

But to have a friend come into my life and break through all of my confusion, to deal with my issues, my frustration, my venting, my mess and still stick by me, when they were new to my life and didn’t have to?  I am forever indebted.  I mean, I cannot express how good it feels for me to be back to myself.  People say, “Oh girl you’re glowing! What have you been doing?” and all I can do is smile.  I have been blessed.  I have a personal angel.  Huge wings swooped in and saved me from giving up.  Pulled me to a higher place and resuscitated my life.  Grateful does not begin to describe how I feel.  I said that this would be the year of elevation and I am truly on another level.  And I am so happy… *but the best is yet to come*

"You Found Me"

Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I'd become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know?
How did you know?

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

(You found me)
(When no one else was lookin')
You found me
(How did you know just where I would be?)
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between
You found me
You found me 

This Love

It all starts in the mind... the only muscle stronger than the heart.  And when the two come together.... 

I am mesmerized by that thing that happens when my skin touches yours.  It is like everything around us disappears.  Nothing exists outside of that presence, that energy.  It is a beautiful thing.  There is something about when your arms hold me that makes me feel so beautiful and free. Whether for a second or a moment, being in that place, being physically wrapped up in you makes me happy.  You smell good, like love and fire.  I think it is because I love you…  You probably really smell like deodorant and laundry detergent.  LOL! 

It’s funny how in the midst of conversations and banter everything always feels familiar and new at the same time.  That thing that happens when our eyes meet… that look that says everything while our mouths say nothing…  What we share is so exclusive.  I couldn’t ever love anyone else like I love you.  You awakened a part of me that I did not know existed.  It is so much deeper than anything I have ever experienced with anyone else.  There are times that I try to pull away from you because I am afraid that I am losing myself.  I get mad, I get scared, I get overwhelmed by emotion and insecurity.  I retreat to get my bearings, but the truth is, I can’t stay away from you for long.  I feed off of the energy that is created whenever we are around each other…..

The door wasn’t open when you entered my heart.  I still wonder how you picked the lock and came in.  But despite my human reasoning, you are in my life and you light it up.  You make me happy to get up every day.  You make me want to be my best self, my best representation of love and grace and beauty.  You make me want to be awesome and intriguing.  The love you show me taps into a part of me that makes me shine so bright.  I love you, in the purest, most true way possible.  I love you, from the deepest part of me.  And I am so very grateful for what you bring to my life.  I pray that I can reciprocate to you all that you have been to me.

Trust Issues

I have major trust issues.  I hide them well. Well, I camouflage them well, because if I hid them well, I wouldn’t be blogging about them. But I hope that this can be cathartic and that I will find some deep revelation in sharing my vulnerability and maybe, someone will see themselves through my eyes and find some healing.

I have come to understand that people will let you down.  It is mostly because they are not perfect.  I know this to be a truth, mentally and spiritually, and I try to not to hold grudges and become offended when people do things that betray the trust I have them.  Most times it is little infractions.  But then there are times when people purposefully use you.  I have had that happen more times than I care to know, and that is the type of betrayal I brace myself for most often.  When people are nice to me, when they express an interest in me I almost immediately think that they have an ulterior motive.  I have truly been battling with this more this year than any other time I can remember.  Par t of it is due to me making new friends, fast friends, and that is not like me.  I like everyone… heck, I LOVE everyone, that is one of the things I do best, love, whole-heartedly.  But, outside of that general love, accepting people knowing that they may possibly hurt me but still letting them in, I only let them in my life so far.  I try to be more of their friend than I let them be my friend.  I have 2 new friends in particular that I really love, great people, but my head won’t let me get too comfortable.  I keep thinking that there is something else… there is some hidden agenda… there is some part of the picture that is hidden and that is really sad, and stressful.  It is so wrong to judge people.  Period.  I have tried to add more to that sentence, but the bottom line is judging a person is just wrong, no matter what your reason.  It does not allow you see or experience the fullness of a person.  And that only robs you of the full experience that you could have, the beauty of the love and camaraderie that comes from being genuine with a person.  Beautiful people they are, they have done NOTHING to show me that they could have ulterior motives.  Actually they have been too good to be true and that, I think, is the scary part.  Isn’t that how we expect life to be?  Wonder friend comes in to your life and next thing you know they have stolen your bank card or car or some other heinous act.  LOL! I feel silly even thinking like that.

So, I will rest my guard and continue trusting them.  I will let them love me and accept their friendship and give my best quality friendship to them, and continue to share this beautiful life with them.  Because I cannot afford to miss out on a fabulous opportunity of having a friend, be it for a season or a lifetime, which will make my life brighter, deeper and more meaningful, especially if missing out is only on the basis that I am afraid of being hurt.  I’ve rebounded from hurt before.  And I came back better, so honestly, I can’t lose.  They will either be good for me or, even better, good to me.

Free To Be Me

I am often frustrated by the line… the thin, thin line between what is socially acceptable and what I believe.   Especially being a Christian who is literate, I have a hard time keeping it real and really keeping it REAL.  I say a Christian who is literate because I know far too many people who profess their Christianity and claim to be followers but can only quote bible scriptures that their preacher has drilled into them.  They really don’t know what the bible says for themselves, but  they try to judge others, (in this instance, me) with their partial knowledge and incorrect interpretations.  For instance, I know that some of the language I use at times is not Christ-Like.  I am well aware.  But I really get ticked when some ill informed church goer comes to me quoting “blessings and curses cannot flow from the same fountain…”  I have to laugh.  Because in that context what the word is actually saying is that you should not uplift (bless, empower) someone and then turn around and condemn (curse, speak evil over) them.  I shouldn’t be such a foul mouthed heathen because the bible warns against the use of insolent language.  That is in that part of the bible that doesn’t get preached often… you know, in there where you have to dig, rightly dividing the word of truth… studying to show yourself approved.  It frustrates me because the ones who know the least are the ones who talk the most and for a very long time I allowed myself to be trapped, trapped by the fear of these people judging me based on the limited word that they know and deeming me a lesser Christian.

I’ve been a Christian my whole life and having grown up with a desire to please people I have spent the last few years in a terrible downward spiral.  Worn down by frustration of not being understood, by weariness from trying to be someone I was not and from anger of knowing that the standard for which I was being judge was faulty, eventually I gave out.  I have not given up on God.  I know that there is a God and I know that the God I serve is real.  I also know that too many people follow religion and do not follow the word they proclaim to believe.  It took me many months of prayer and separation to gain my sanity.  But I am back in my right mind.  And you know what I realized?  I realized that being Christ-Like means that I attempt to live like Christ.  And you know what Christ did?  He didn’t give two cares to what anyone thought about Him!  He didn’t worry about people judging Him, didn’t care that they called Him a Whore monger; never thought twice about them calling Him a drunkard; was not bothered that they didn’t think He was the son of God.  He just lived His life.  He did what He came to do and when His work was done, He moved on!  He never offered up explanations of His deity.  Even when He was tried by the Devil, He did no great works to prove anything to Him.  If I am going to be Christ-Like I have to embrace this side of Christianity as well.

I am not a cookie cutter church goer.  My life is my ministry.  The love I give on a daily basis is my badge, it shows I am an authentic disciple.  The truth in how I live is my validation.  I am qualified by the lessons I have learned, my experiences.  I have been frustrated, and even held back, by the thin, thin line between what people think is right and what I believe.  Today, this very day, I make the decision to erase that line.  Who has the right to judge me?  No one has that right.  And today I take back the power that I silently turned over to those whose judging stares, glares and words have held me prisoner.  I live in the freedom of truth, the truth of who I am.  And if you don’t get me, well, that is not my problem.  God got me a long time ago.

Becoming a Wife

“He who finds a wife has found a good thing and has obtained favor from God” Proverbs 18:22

The thing that many people miss with this verse is that is says “He who finds a WIFE”….  Do you get it?  No, well let me help you out.  It doesn’t say “he who finds a woman to make his wife” it says he who “finds a wife”.   This is saying that when a man finds a woman that he wishes to marry, she should already be a wife, (be wife material, not someone else’s wife).  I am thankful that God blessed me with a 3 year grooming period in which I was unofficially mentored by several older women, seasoned wives, and they imparted a heavy but loving dose of wisdom into me to make me the wife that I was when I married my husband.  I am greatly blessed that those women loved me enough to take me under their wings without me having to ask.  That is why I call it unofficially being mentored, because they gave of their wisdom and guidance freely and out of loving care, like you would a daughter.  And I love them and appreciate each of them for the gifts that have imparted to me.  I see that missing more and more with each generation, from their generation and growing more and more as the generations get younger.  The truth of the matter is every married woman is not a wife.  Some are just married women.  Just as every woman of age is not a grown woman… (See my blog on grown girls).  Age doesn’t equal maturity and marriage was not every intended to define the wifely status. 

It is because of this that I have decided to go back to these women and inquire of them, do podcast interviews and written interviews, to share their wisdom with all of you.  It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well, many of us were not raised by the village and we missed out on valuable wisdom.  But fret not.  I will bring the village to you.  You are never too grown to rise up from where you are.  And this impartation is vital to the health of our families and our communities.  So, coming the week of October 23, 2011 I will debut the podcast series “Diamonds Who’ve Shaped Me”.  Be on the listen and the lookout for that.  Because if we are going to take our families and our communities back we’ve got to go back to the basics, redo our foundations and rebuild our lives from the bottom up.  We are queens; it is time for us to get back to our rightful place.