Welcome To New Year New You Planning!

Year ahead planning is something that I began doing online in 2007.  It started off as my digital way of thinking out loud on the goals I hoped to accomplish in the New Year.  Many of my online friends commented on my thoughts and in 2008 I decided to open the planning up to all of my online friends. I began posting a daily blog featuring the questions that I had asked myself as I prepared my mind for a better year than the one before.  I asked questions about what had been experienced and what lessons had been learned.  The blogs of 2008 were a huge success and lead me to focus much more time and energy on the 2009 year flowing into 2010.  This time, with the help of Facebook and Twitter, I was able to reach out to more than just my friends and family members.  And the success continued not just for me, but for many of those who jumped in with me and agreed to “Do It Big” in 2010.

In the transition from 2010 to 2011 my life was in such disarray that I didn’t do much public planning.  Mentally, emotionally and physically I was disconnected from myself.  I’ve blogged about it a few times, but ultimately, this year, I received a breath of life and a wake-up call.  I rediscovered me, love, life and what living is all about and I am ending this year on an incredible high.

As I posted FB statuses and tweets about my 2012 planning, I got inbox messages, @ tweets and DMs asking for advice and help with planning and getting started.  So, here it is: Comprehensive help, direction and step by step information to help you have your best year yet.  Through this information it is my goal to spark a flame in your life that will transform your life forever.  I am passionate about the year to come and I pray that passion is highly contagious. 

Welcome to year ahead planning 2012! Are you ready for the BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE.

Part One Overview

1. YOUR "SELF"

1.1.    YOU – THE BASICS

1.1.1.  WHO ARE YOU?

1.1.2.  WHY ARE YOU IMPORTANT?

1.1.3.  WHERE ARE YOU?

1.1.4.  WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL?

1.1.5.  WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO MANIFEST YOUR BEST?

1.2.    HOW DOES ALL OF THIS MATTER?

It All Starts With YOU!

YOURSELF – The Basics

1.1.1          Who are you?  If I asked you that question what would you tell me?  How would you respond?  Humanly, we often define ourselves by things outside of ourselves.  I am Shani.  I am an Inventory Technician/Logistic coordinator.  I am a student.  I am a leader.  While all of these things are true about me, they are not WHO I am.  They are things that I do.  They are not 100% accurate.  I am, as you are, more than words can describe.  God describes Himself in Exodus as “I Am” meaning who and what He is are defined by His existence, by His actions.  In essence, that is WHO we are, too.  Some of us are diligent, some unmotivated, some lost, some out of balance.  But all of us ARE.  We are everything that we have done, all that we have learned, we are more than just sister, wives, mothers, friends, workers, brother, fathers, judges, nurses, lawyers, or owners.  Each of us is all of that and much more.

1.1.2          This is what makes us so very important.  I do not know each aspect of your lives but I can assure you of one thing: You are more than you give yourself credit for being.  I have not had any children but I have mothered many children and some grown people, too.  I have had to be a judge, resolving disputes between friends or family members, I have had to play nurse mending cut fingers, fixing remedies for ailing tummies and more.  There is a long list of roles I have operated in.  We wear many hats, we juggle multiple responsibilities and because that is something we do, often without recognition, praise or pay, we discount our contributions to our family, communities and to our own lives.  “It’s nothing” is what we say when someone thanks us.  We do it because it is just part of our normal everyday hustle.  Humility is a great thing, a beautiful aspect to anyone’s character.  However many of us are unaware of the value of our contributions and because of that we are unaware of our full value.

1.1.3          Being unaware of what’s in your is just as dangerous as being unaware of what is around you.  And honestly, when you are unaware of what is in you, you can’t know if you should be concerned about what is around you.  I have made the decision that I am a diamond.  I have a diamond standard of living.  To be technical for a moment, a diamond is simply a rock.  When coal is compacted, (meaning put under extreme pressure) in a high heat environment over a period of time a diamond is formed.  The diamonds are appraised and valued by how clear they are and their clarity is greatly dependent on how much pressure and heat they endured in their forming process.  And where are diamonds sold? In jewelry stores, by jewelers.  They are usually kept in a case with other valuable jewels and metals, (gold, platinum…).  But diamonds must be harvested.  Sometimes diamonds of great value are discovered in strange places.  These are literally referred to as Diamonds in the rough.  Some of you are diamonds in the rough.  Instead of being in settings where your natural beauty is allowed to shine, you are lost among common rocks, dirt and debris.  You are afraid to shine because you don’t see anyone else shining.  “Haters” are blocking your shine when you do try.  As they say, “it’s not where you are from; it is where you are at”.  This year you have got to rise about the haters, rise about those throwing shade on your shine.  It is time you elevate yourself, because you, my friend, are not just any old rock.  You are a diamond.

1.1.4          Some of you don’t believe me.  “I’m from the hood.  I am broke.  I’ve never even OWNED a real diamond!”  Let me go back.  What did I say makes a diamond?  HEAT AND PRESSURE!  Beautiful people, I know you have been in pressing situations, probably multiple times, possibly you are now.  Single parents, working full-time, balancing church and family obligations, more responsibilities than you have time or money for… pressure.  But you don’t crack under the pressure.  You hold it all together, you sweat because the situations have you hot, but you don’t crack.  You cry but you don’t crack.  You scream, sometimes curse, but you don’t crack.  You know why?  Because you are a diamond standard chick.  And that is what makes you special.  People fall apart every day because they can’t take the pressure.  We see it on the news, read it in the papers.  It is reality for many.  But you have kept it together, you are still here.  You are a diamond, baby.

1.1.5          The question you have to ask yourself is: When am I going to manifest my BEST?  The only things holding you back are your mind set and your actions.  When you make up your mind that you deserve to have a better, more fulfilling life and you believe that you are worth investing the time and energy required to live the best life possible for you, you will begin to change.  Once your mind is made up, you will begin to do the things necessary to reach your ultimate goal.

1.2               How does all of this matter
When you are not focused on why you are living, you are not focused on how you are living.  Our purpose in life all stems from the same place: Being our best selves so that we can provide a brighter, better future for generations to come.  If you are not learning from your mistakes and your successes you are not able to help your children, nieces, nephews, and the next generation behind you to avoid making the same mistakes you’ve made.  They should be able to build on your success.  That is the problem in many of our low income communities.  Too many people are ashamed of what they have done to teach others from the wealth of their mistakes.  They fear judgment and remain silent and generation after generation falls prey to the same failures.  You may not have learned how important having an education was until you were well into your 30’s, but you can use that lesson to help students in your family recognize the importance while they still have time.  You may not have learned the importance of good credit until yours was SHOT, but not only can you rebuild yours, you can teach your babies the power of the dollar RIGHT NOW.  The lesson to learn here is that your LIFE is an extension of yourself.  How you think, how you feel, what you do, all of these things are a part of who you are and make up the total of your life.  So for 2012 you FIRST need to work on how you think, what you think about and how you view your life.  You can have a more fulfilling and enjoyable life.  But first you have to get your mind right.

1.2.1          Assignment:
Click this link and listen to this full recording.  My friend Zenada shared this with me and it changed my year.  It woke up my mind and pulled together many things that I have heard preached and been taught.  I pray that it will be first spark to the fire that will burn through you in 2012.  http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8448018326921957619

1.2.2          Questions:

-What about your life makes you unhappy?
- What are you willing to do to change/eliminate what isn’t working for you?

-What is your vision for the life you want to live?

-Your choice and actions thus far have created the life you are living.  What choice will you make/actions will you take to get from where you are now to where you want to be?

-What are you willing to sacrifice to have the life you want to live?  (When thinking on the answer to this question I want you to recognize that you are currently sacrificing your own happiness for comfort and familiarity.  So, you are making a sacrifice, either way.)

1.2.3          Confession:

Making positive confessions or affirmation is one of the most powerful tools to use for turning around your thinking.  Say these confessions aloud daily, as often as needed.  Whenever fear or doubt rises, speak your positive confession.  This may be the only way you hear what you need to hear to promote positive change.

I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH.  I AM STRONG ENOUGH.  I AM SMART ENOUGH.  I AM BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH.  I AM WEALTHY ENOUGH.  I AM A DIAMOND.  FOR THE HEALTH OF MY FAMILY, MY CHILDREN, MY RELATIONSHIPS, MY SELF I CHOOSE TO PUT ME FIRST.  I RECOGNIZE THAT I AM THE FOUNDATION OF MY LIFE.  I CHOOSE TO BUILD MYSELF UP ON MY FAITH.  MY CHILDREN, MY RELATIONSHIPS, MY EVERYTHING IS DEPENDENT ON MY BEING HEALTHY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  I CHOOSE TO MAKE THE INVESTMENT OF TIME AND ENERGY INTO MYSELF SO THAT I CAN BE STRONG FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS DEPENDENT ON ME.  I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO ENDURE CHANGE.  I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO PUSH FORWARD.  I DESERVE TO LIVE A GREAT LIFE.  I WAS CREATED IN THE IMAGE AND THE LIKENESS OF GREATNESS AND CHOOSE THIS DAY TO BE THAT.  I CHOOSE TO MEDITATE, PRAY, SEEK MY DIVINE CREATOR SO THAT I CAN MOVE FORWARD IN WISDOM.  I CHOOSE TO MAKE TIME EVERY DAY TO LISTEN FOR THE VOICE OF MY CREATOR.  I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, LETTING GO OF HURT, OF DISAPPOINTMENTS AND ALL OTHER NEGATIVITY CAUSED BY PAST RELATIONSHIPS.  I HOLD NO GRUDGES.  I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD IN THE BELIEF THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD.  I AM THANKFUL FOR ALL THAT I HAVE SURVIVED AND REALIZE THAT NOTHING CAN BREAK ME.  ANY NEGATIVE SITUATION THAT CAME MY WAY CAME TO TEACH ME A LESSON, TO MAKE ME STRONGER.  I AM A DIAMOND.  RESENTMENT, UNFORGIVENESS, HATE, AND BITTERNESS ARE CHARACTER FLAWS WHICH NEGATIVELY IMPACT THE LIGHT THAT SHINES THROUGH ME.  I CHOOSE TO LET GO OF ANGER AND EMBRACE LOVE.  I CHOOSE TO LET GO OF HATE AND HOLD ON TO LOVE.  I CHOOSE TO LET GO OF RESENTMENT AND HOLD ON TO HOPE AND UNDERSTANDING.  I AM A DIAMOND.  I AM A VESSEL OF LOVE AND HOPE.  I REFLECT THE LIGHT OF LOVE AND IT BRIGHTLY SHINES THROUGH ME.

Please know that your belief in this confession is the beginning of seeing change in your life.

NEXT: Lesson 2 –  Your Money

Part 2 - Your Money

2.1.    THE REAL CAPITAL ONE

2.1.1.  WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?

2.1.2.  WHERE IS YOUR MONEY GOING?

2.1.3.  WHY ARE YOU CRYING BROKE?

2.1.4. WHO’S LIVING IN YOUR POCKET?

2.1.5. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO EXERCISE DISCIPLINE?

2.2.    ASSIGNMENTS

Your Money - The REAL Capital One

2.1.1          We ended part one talking about the importance of how we think.  Speaking of thinking, what is the number one thing on most people’s mind?  Bills, shopping, budgeting savings… MONEY!!
Scripture says “A feast is made for laughter and wine maketh merry; but money answereth all things.”  (Ecc. 10:19)  And if you are anything like me… sometimes, you don’t have enough “answers”.
What is or is not in your wallet has a tendency to dictate the direction of your life.  If you had more money you would drive a better car or live in another neighborhood or get out of town more often.  Sometimes, for many people, the state of your wallet affects your character.  “Girl, I would go out with you tonight but I don’t feel good.”  Yeah, you would feel a lot better if you could afford to go.  Sometimes we lie because we don’t want anyone to know the status of our wallet.

Lying about your finances isn’t just done with words.  We, all of us, have a tendency to be very critical and judgmental of each other and because we are that way, many of us go out of our way to “look” like we have more money than we do.  Beautiful people let me DRILL this truth into you:
If you are spending all of your money trying to look like you have money, YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE ANY MONEY!!
This is something that is so frustrating to me.  I become very frustrated when I see a lady with a $200 purse, a $75 hair style, and a $35 manicure crying broke when it comes time to pay bills or put gas in her car or feed her babies.  I get frustrated because I want to scream, “YOU ARE WEARING ALL OF YOU MONEY!”
But I don’t scream.  I understand.  I used to have a standing weekly appointment at the hair dresser.  I have never been big on acrylic nails but I love shoes (ya’ll know that though…) and I LOVE shopping.  It used to be nothing for me to go out on the weekend and spend my entire pay check on something to wear, my hair and going somewhere to be seen; riding out in a car that needed minor repairs that could have been paid for by my weekend budget.  I have had my check garnished for failure to pay a debt that was minor and payable.  And that garnishment only meant that some other bill didn’t get paid, because I wasn’t going to stop spending.  Some of us spend at Macy’s or Dillard’s.  Some of us spend at Wal-mart or Target.  Some of us spend at the flea markets, some at T. J. Maxx, Marshall’s or Ross.  Many of us are spending all of those places and are riding around with $5 worth of gas in our car praying to make it to the cash advance spot.  Beauties, we have to stop crying broke when the reality is we are not poor, have been poor stewards and irresponsible spenders.

2.1.2          The first step to responsibility is to figure out, where is your money going?  Many of us are putting money on our lives and not investing any money in our lives.  This was my focus at the start of 2010.  2010 was my year of RE.  I need to reevaluate my spending and savings habits, reprogram my thoughts about money and redirect the money I was spending into investment initiatives.  I’ve always enjoyed having things that other people either weren’t up on or couldn’t afford.  At one point in my life I was spending nearly 70% of my income on clothes and going out.  I had awful credit, my savings was nonexistent and I was living paycheck to paycheck.  The bills I did have were all paid late.  I bought stuff because I figured, “if I am going to work and I am slaving for this money I am going to have SOMETHING to show for it.”  What I had to learn was that stuff, material items that lose value or have no value outside of the department store, car lot, wherever, are NOTHING to show for how hard I have worked. 
#1 Truth – Quita, Meka and n’em are going to talk about you whether you’ve got it or don’t.  STOP SPENDING WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE YOU ARE LIVING A LIFE YOU AREN’T LIVING, ESPECIALLY TO IMPRESS PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOU EITHER WAY.

2.1.3          I love you, each of you reading this, and if the statement I am about to make hurts your feelings, please remember that the truth only hurts if you have been lying to yourself.  But you big girl or boy underpants on and vow to do better. 
THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF CLOTHES, NO STATUS OF CAR, ANY JOB TITLE OR AMOUNT IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT THAT CAN INCREASE YOUR SELF WORTH.  You have to invest your money in things that are going to increase your financial standing BEFORE you can have the look of luxury.   No amount of jewels or gems, no gold or platinum, no Benz or Beemer, no anything will make you more valuable than the amount of value that you put on yourself.  And if you do not think that you are worth the time and the effort that it takes to get your money straight, you are not saying much for yourself.  And I love you enough to tell you that it is time for you to get your financial act together.

2.1.4          I am not naïve enough to think that everyone is in the same boat as me.  Most of you have children and that is even more reason for you to get your monetary mind right.  But the truth is, when you have people living in your pocket, it is hard to get a hold of your money.  Part 3 is about relationships, so I am not going to dig too deep in that right now but you need to know your main priority is being your best YOU so that you can be strong for the people who have to depend on you.  THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE OTHER THAN TO DEPEND ON YOU!  That means that people who can or should be doing for themselves may have to be kicked to the curb.  Our pockets are not deep enough to support everyone in our life.  If you learn nothing from the story of MC Hammer learn this, the more money you have to give, the more needs people will create.  You have to be able to say, “Not this time” and walk away.  You were not created to support everyone in your family.  People who need a savior need to find Jesus.  You are not the savior.  TAKE THE CAPE OFF!  Get down off of the cross and stop trying to bail everyone out, digging yourself deeper in debt, depression and disgust.  Saying no is hard, I understand, and people always have the most urgent needs.  If you don’t help them they won’t have anyone.  I’ve seen many people kill themselves under the stress of trying to help someone else, only for that person to move on to the next person.  Lee Williams, (I think) sings a song called “I Learned to Lean on Jesus”.  The song is a moocher’s anthem and I really despise it.  He tells the story of how he leaned on his momma, (he leaned on her a long time) then she died.  So then he leaned on his daddy and then daddy got sick.  Then he tried to lean on his sisters and brothers and actually has the nerve to say they didn’t help him and he didn’t have anybody.  This may not be his story, but it is the story of somebody.  We all have those people in our family.  They have flat screen TVs in every room, every gadget known to man, always at the mall, but every month something they own is getting turned off, or they need grocery money.  And when you need to lean on them, they honestly do not have it, cause their money is spent as soon as they get it.  There is a limit to the amount of help you can give a person who is not willing to help themselves.  You have to know when to let go.  It is time to evict some of the people who are living in your pocket.  They are fleecing you of wealth.  Yes, giving is important and I do believe that when you give it is a form of sowing a seed and will reap a harvest.  But you have to sow into good ground.  You can’t just throw your seed at a rock and hope for a bumper crop.  And hard headed people are often hard hearted.  They don’t receive that you may have had to sacrifice for them.  They just get that they got something they wanted.  LET.THEM.GO!!!! Say bye. And mean it.

2.1.5          Great transition to our last point.  You have to set goals and mean them.  You have to decide that you are going to be diligent in building wealth.  You have to develop discipline to build or accumulate wealth.  It doesn’t mean that you can’t spend.  It means that you have to spend smarter.  For the past 12 years I have had a money philosophy:
Time is money.  So what you lack in money you better make up with time. 
What that means is, if you don’t have a lot of money to spend, you better have time to spend making sure that your money is spent wisely.  Let’s take couponing for an example.  We’ve seen the shows or news articles about people who spend $50 and get $500 worth of groceries.  They have to spend time searching out sales and clipping coupons, they have to research store sales patterns and be willing to stock up.  But they save major money.  They spend time to save money.  The rest of us either don’t have the time or don’t take the time so we spend more money.  The same goes for clothes shopping.  You can take the time to wait out an item or shop through a thrift store or discount market and save money or you can walk right into an upscale store and purchase what you want as soon as you see it and spend more money, but spend less time.  The choice is up to you.  But I promise you, taking the time to look at where and how you are spending your money, taking time to plan out what you are going to spend each week and each month and taking the time to keep your budget balanced is a time investment that will bring great monetary benefit.  I promise you.  But you have to make the commitment.  You have to be diligent about it and you have to be disciplined.  Whether you are starting $500 in the hole or $500 above, balance your checkbook.  Do it every day.  Balance your spending budget, every week or every month.  You have to make the commitment to building wealth.  And once you have it, you will have no problem looking the part.  It will come automatically.

2.2               Assignment:
Write out everything that you owe.  Car loans, mortgage, credit cards, hospital bills, monthly expenses, gas, upkeep on your vehicle, EVERYTHING.  Also write down every source of income.  Any money that comes into your household.  Add up your bills and add up your income.

If your income is more than your bills, you need to write out how you can not only pay everything every month, but how can you eliminate some of these bills and also COMMIT to a set amount to save. 

If your income is less than your bills, I need you to make a commitment to invest the time necessary to change your situation.  Is it possible for you to work another job to bring in more money?  In addition to looking to bring in more money, what expenses can you cut?  I need you to get on the phone with your creditors, every single one of them, from the phone company to the credit card company and ask for lower rates.  Talk to these people and find out what you can do to get a break.  Explain to them that you want to pay your bills but that you need help.  You may need to make a sacrifice, downgrading to a different plan or something but you must call and talk to every single person you can to get your budget into a place of balance. 

If you are unable to get your bills below your income level, call and let certain creditors know that you simply do not have the money to pay your bill, they may be able to work with your or may have information about assistance that can help you get your bill paid off.

2.2.1          Assignment:

MAKE YOUR INCOME TAX MONEY WORK FOR YOU!!!  If you are one of those people who turn into tax time rock stars, I want you to do me one of 2 favors:

-          If you must go out and spend all of your tax money on new clothes and other item that will not gain any value first I want you to deposit your money in a savings account.  If you are going to spend it you are also going to learn to make your money work for you.  After putting the money in the savings account, once the check clears, you can ask the bank of you can take out a loan against it.  This is called a secured loan.  By doing this, you can still spend the money; however, you must pay it back, over time, to yourself.  Because it is a loan, it goes on your credit, and your payments will help you build good credit.  Even if you can’t afford to do that will ALL of your return money, save as much as you can.  It will help you to create a better credit score and, because you are paying it back to yourself, you will still have your money in the end.

-          If you are not of the go out and spend all your tax money on new stuff variety, I want you to do the same as above, but take that money and pay off as many of your outstanding debts as possible.  In doing this, you stop accruing interest and have the bills paid off on your credit report.  Also, since you borrowed your own money to do so, when you pay yourself back, you are building your credit AND paying yourself back and will STILL HAVE YOUR MONEY.

One of the best things about secured loans is if you really, honestly need the money, once you make the loan payment, that money is available for you to withdraw it.  So, if you need your money, you can post your payment to your loan and the small amount of interest on the loan is taken out and the rest is deposited in your savings account.  If you can let it sit in the account, it will draw its own interest and then your money will be making money for you.

2.2.2          Confession:

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND THAT INCLUDES MY FINANCES.  I AM NOT POOR.  I HAVE WEALTH.  I CHOOSE TO BE A GREAT STEWARD OVER THE MONEY THAT COMES INTO MY LIFE.  I AM A GREAT STEWARD BECAUSE I AM AWARE OF WHAT I AM SPENDING AND I AM INVESTING MY MONEY WISELY IN THINGS THAT WILL BENEFIT ME AND MY LIFE OVER TIME.  I DO NOT HAVE TO FILL MY CLOSET OR GARAGE WITH THINGS TO FEEL LIKE I AM SOMEONE OF IMPORTANCE.  I WAS CREATED IN THE IMAGE AND THE LIKENESS OF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.  HE IS THE OWNER OF CATTLE ON A THOUSAND HILLS.  I LOOK LIKE WEALTH.  I LOOK LIKE PROSPERITY.  THE PRICE OF MY CLOTHES OR MY CARS ARE NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO THE PRICE OF MY HAPPINESS.  I CHOOSE THIS DAY TO INVEST THE TIME IT TAKES TO CREATE LASTING WEALTH.  I CHOOSE THIS DAY TO TEACH MY CHILDREN THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING RESPONSIBLE AND BUILDING GOOD CREDIT.  I KNOW THAT IT IS MORE EXPENSIVE TO HAVE BAD CREDIT.  I KNOW THAT I AM WORTHY OF HAVING THE BEST THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER.  I CHOOSE TO HAVE THE BEST BY SAVING AND USING MY MONEY WISELY.  I WORK TOO HARD FOR MY MONEY TO THROW IT AWAY ON LATE FEES AND PENALTIES.  I CHOOSE TO PAY MY BILLS ON TIME.  I CHOOSE TO PRESENT MY BEST SELF BY MAKING SMART MONEY CHOICES AND EDUCATING MYSELF ON WAYS TO GROW MY MONEY.  TAKING CARE OF MY FINANCES IS JUST ANOTHER WAY THAT I LOVE MYSELF.

NEXT: Lesson 3 – Your Relationships

Part Three

3.  YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

3.1.    A HERD OF CATTLE vs. A DEN OF BEAVERS

3.1.1.  WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING ON?

3.1.2.  WHERE IS YOUR HEART?

3.1.3.  WHO BROKE YOUR HEART?

3.1.4.  WHAT HAS TRAPPED YOU?

3.1.5.  WHEN WILL YOU FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT?

Your Relationships

 A Herd of Cattle vs. A den of Beavers

There is a purpose to the titles of each of these lessons.  Part One, Your Self, was “The Basics” because everything about your life branches from what you think.  Every action begins as a thought or belief.  We had to work on what you think and what you believe about who you are before we could make any progress or look at any other area.  Part Two, Your Money, was “The REAL Capital One”.  Since money is considered capital, it was a play on words.  What you actually own and what your real finances look like are more important than a plastic card promoted by savages (pun intended).  So we get to Part Three and the title for Your Relationships is “A Herd of Cattle vs. A Den of Beavers”… seems almost like it’s coming from left field.  But let me paint a picture for you. 

Cattle are docile creatures.  They are calm and content; as long as they have grass to eat and a pasture to lie in, they are happy.  They are usually found lying around, not looking for anything to do and not trying to do much.  They provide milk or become burgers, shoes and coats and that’s the end of their existence.  Sometimes they are part of a rodeo and are riled up for entertainment, but the good that comes from them is the result of someone else’s work.

Beavers on the other hand are workers.  They get together and decide to build a dam and they get to work.  There are stick gathers, other beavers who position the sticks and some that whittle the sticks down to size.  Some use their tails to pack dirt.  They have a plan and a system and they work together to get the job done.

The type of people you hang around influence the type of person that you become.  Stay around cows (people who are content as long as they have just enough to be comfortable; people who “moo” and complain when things aren’t acceptable but never work to change them, they just lie down and take what comes their way) and soon you will be mooing and lying down, too.  Hang around beavers (people who are upwardly mobile, who have a plan and desire to do something; people who see a problem and don’t keep up a bunch of fuss but rather commence to action to change the situation) and you will become motivated to do things as well.

We all need a support system, but let me be honest with you:  Having people support you from below limits how high you can go.  You must have a group of people, ones who can push you on, one’s who can cheer you on, and one who can pull you on.

People who push you are people who are in your corner but are not necessarily on your level.  It is possible for them to push you only so far.  They can hold you up only for so long.  Because of their lack of elevation they cannot “see” your vision.  As much as they love you, they can only support you from the depths of their knowledge and experience.  You need these people but often not nearly as much as they need you.  Your vision and determination can be an inspiration to them.  Their passion to see you succeed can help push you when you get weary along the journey.  They may not be able to provide insight on how to get to where you want to be but they can provide encouragement and remind you of how far you have come.

People who cheer you on are people on your same level.  Your goal may be to become a doctor and theirs to be a concert violinist but you’re both at the climbing stages.  These people really can’t push you on because they are focusing most of their energy on climbing their own mountain.  They are great for moral support, networking and being a sounding board, but their strength cannot be relied on to help increase your elevation. 

People who pull you on are those who are where you desire to be.  They can look down at where you are and offer wisdom, insight and solid information to help you succeed.  Because they are higher up the ladder than you are they can see dangers and opportunities that you may not be able to see from your level, (of thinking and understanding as well as your professional level).  However, because the weight of your vision may be too great for them to pull you up to the level, you need to be strong and know how to use your support group to elevate yourself.

This is just as true in business relationships as it is in romantic and plutonic relationships.  Having someone who has been where you are trying to get to, especially someone who can relate to where you are and where you have come from, is one of the most helpful relationships you can have.

Assignment:

-          Who do you have on your team?  What category are they in?  You must know who is on your team because having a strong team is the most important key to success.  If you follow any team sport, you know that the players are important.  Their combined skill set determines their success.  And the skills of the players on the team need to be varied; if everyone is strong in the same areas, you have too many open weakness and hence too many chances for failure. 

-          Now that you have identified your team players, who else do you have in your life that is not a part of your team?  It may be Aunt Brenda, who is loving and funny, but also cynical and a dream killer.  She only sees the negative and every idea you mention to her, she finds every single reason why it won’t work.  It could be your life long best friend.  They are the perfect person for going out with, but their lack of ambition makes you feel like a rock star.  As good as their friendship is in moderation, if you at the top of your friend pile, you will become complacent, because there are no sources of inspiration, there is nothing for you to aspire to, and you will level off instead of climb higher.

The answers to these questions will be needed for the next part: Why are you still holding on? 

Why Are You Still Holding On?

As we evaluate our circle, one thing that we will notice is that most of the people in our lives hold some sentimental value.  A family member, a friend who bailed us out in a time of trouble, our best friend since grade school… there are many people that are in our lives simply because we feel obligated to keep them there.  Sometimes they are friends who come in handy occasionally so we keep them around.  Look at the people who are on your B list, the list of people who are in your life but they are not helping to push, cheer or pull you on.  Now ask yourself, what type of energy does this person bring to my life?  Truthfully everyone in our life is not going to be a part of our team.  And honestly, we have more than one team that we are playing for because we have more than one thing going on.  You may have people on your business team that are not on your spiritual team.  Some of your stylish image teammates may not be involved in any other area of your life.  As we talked about in Part One, we wear multiple titles.  We have so much going on there are various teams that keep us going.  Some people are on team Sanity, the team that we hang out with just to chill.  But then there are other people who bring nothing to our lives.  These are negative people, B list people.  A negative is represented by the minus (-) sign.  You know why?  Because anything negative is going to take away from something positive.  You may not realize it at first, it can happen subtly, but when you are surrounded by negativity, it sucks at your positivity.  You have to use so much energy to remain positive, to combat the negative, it drains you.  And if you do not have someone in your life that can help to replace that, it will drain on you and you will find yourself growing closer to the negative side.  A talk show once talked about “toxic relationships”.  People who constantly bring drama, negativity, complaints, and poor outlook to our door step are toxic.  They slowly poison us with their negativity.

This is why it is important to periodically evaluate the people in your life. You do not owe anyone anything, other than godly love.  THAT IS IT!  You do not have to keep a negative person in your life just because they are family or because they helped you out at one point.  And you can still socialize with people who are not a part of your teams.  You have to be mindful of what you say to them, because opening up your vision to a person who is blind to your potential will only cloud your vision.  They will inject your spirit with doubt and that weed of doubt will slowly start to grow into fear, which will grow into a tree of defeat and will choke out the flower blooms of your vision.  The branches of that defeat tree will block the light that your dreams need to grow.  Often in scripture God admonished people to separate from their families.   Noah separated, Jesus separated, David was separated.... There were many others.  And in this life there are many people, some of religious background but many not, who have learned that everyone cannot come with you on the journey.  It is ok to say good bye.  But you cannot keep dragging dead weight, especially if it is fighting your vision.  Learn to let go.  Stop waiting for negative people to become uncomfortable and walk away on their own.  Stop wishing that God will remove them. Stop thinking that maybe they will wake up and get right.  As long as you are carrying a child it will never walk on its own.  As long as you are tolerating foolishness it will never leave your side.  Complacency is not something that people grow out of; it is something that they choose to leave.  A positive increases a negative (4 added to -2 is positive 2).  In the same example you will notice that the positive is decreased by the negative.  That is why negative people stick around; they have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  They are increased by your positivity.  If they become more negative, they were already at a deficit.  They had nothing to lose in the first place. 

Assignment:

-Simple: Make a list of people who drain your life of happiness, positive energy and joy.  Who calls your phone and it just makes your heart sink?  Who have you missed out on opportunities just to avoid? You know the people who drain you with their drama.  If these are not people who you can cut out of your life completely, (cause I certainly understand that it is not easy to just walk away from certain people like your children or parents), what boundaries do you need to establish to secure your happiness?  If they are a person that you can cut out of your life, what is your plan of action to remove them from your life?  It may mean that you have to save money to move out.  It may mean that you have to change your number.  It may mean that you have to write them a letter so that you can get closure but whatever you have to do, you must make the change.  You cannot wait for them to leave.  You have to love you enough and be committed enough to your own happiness to say, “This is not working for me.  I need to make a change.  I am worth the effort and I am worth the temporary discomfort of this separation for the lasting happiness of having something more.”

This will flow us into the next section: Where is Your Heart?

Where Is Your Heart? (3.2)

3.1.2          The heart of anything is considered the center, the command center if you will.  In our bodies, our heart is not at the middle of us, but it is vital and centrally located.  Our physical heart must work in connection with our brain for us to survive.  From the view point of relationships, the heart is the deepest center of your emotions.  It is the core basis of your feelings.  We build relationships based on many things: Attraction; Compatibility; Other people’s suggestions.  But at the heart of why we stay in a relationship are only 2 things: You either emotionally love the person and desire to have them as a part of your life or you feel obligate to stay.  We all know people who are in both categories.  Many of us have been in both at some point in time.  Previously we looked at why you are still holding on to relationships that are not beneficial.  Today, we dig deeper into the well to get to the truth, because I am certain that even after doing the previous assignment and working through the blog, you still have people in your life that only subtract from your life and you cannot bring yourself to let go.  Or in some cases, you are the person that really needs to be let go of; you are the person that is bringing nothing to relationship.  Talking to a friend the other day we discussed the relationship that they are in and I had to tell them that is not healthy.  As humans we are going to mess up.  No matter who you are, no matter how much you love someone, at some point in your relationship, you are going to let them down.  It is inevitable.  And the longer the relationship, the more chances for it to happen.  That doesn’t mean that you are going to make a major misstep, though you may, it only means that there will come a time when someone has an expectation of you and you are not going to meet it.  It is a part of life, but what makes the difference is what happens after.  The person who made the mistake has to be willing to apologize and make amends.  The other person has to be willing to accept the apology and forgive the offender.  And then both parties must be willing to move on.  I tell all of my friends the most damaging thing you can do is stay in a relationship where you are constantly paying for past mistakes. 

LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY: If you choose to accept someone’s apology and you choose to stay in a relationship with them, you CANNOT continually use whatever you forgave them for against them.  If you don’t trust them, you can’t respect them, and if you don’t respect a person, your love is incomplete.  Love involves a level of trust that defies what you see.  If you love someone you only believe the best in them.  And if they have failed you and you make the choice to continue in relationship with them you must be willing to understand that they are human and you must be willing to do the necessary work to rebuild that trust.  If you love them, the heart of the matter is you will want to have a strong relationship.  You cannot have a strong relationship if you constantly doubt the other person’s character and commitment.  You cannot have a strong relationship if you constantly have to fight the doubts of the other person’s heart.  Any time you are in a situation where there is constant offense, people become defensive and defense automatically puts up a wall that keeps love out.  Beauties, believe me when I tell you, if you are going to have success in your relationships, you have to be able to let your guard down and you ARE NOT going to be able to keep your guard down in a relationship with someone who is constantly hurting you by bringing up where you have failed previously. 

Your heart, the core of your relationship, must reside in trust.  If your heart is not seated on a throne of trust, there is no hope for your relationship.  Worry, doubt, anger, distrust, and selfishness are not fruit of the love tree. 

-          Assignment:

Where is your heart?  What moved it from trust and commitment to fear and doubt?  Dig deep.  It may not be a romantic relationship; it could be a family member, a friend, or a business associate that you are in a bad relationship with.  There are people that (from the previous assignment) you know you need to let go of, or if not let go of, you know that the relationship is not in a good place and must be changed.  But before you can make the relationship strong you must look at what went wrong.  Whether it was something that you did or they did, write down what went wrong, trace back the actions and be honest with yourself.  What was your fault?  What are you blaming yourself for that you had not control over?  Where do you need to forgive?  Do you need to forgive yourself?
Understand that being let down, whether you were the person who failed or you were the person who was failed, it is part of living.  The healing part is in understanding that we are all human.  Most often we don’t hurt people on purpose.  In the midst of living we make choices that feel good at the time, or seem harmless at the time only to realize that they negatively impact the other person in the relationship.  Failing does not make you are failure.  Failing and continuing with the failure is what negatively impacts your character.  Most relationships can be rebuild but they require healing, through communication, willing hearts and minds and most importantly forgiveness on the part of the offended person and repentance (or the admission of the wrong and the decision to do better) on the part of the offender.  But if your heart is locked in a lead box or hidden behind a wall of bitterness, you keep yourself from being able to love and to accept the love you deserve.

Next: Who broke your heart?